Sunday, May 31, 2009

Our Weekend...A pictoral review

How was my weekend you ask? It was wonder FULL.
It was full of everything I needed. My Family. My Friends. Unreal food. A ton of time for us to be together as a family.
We finally ate at Melt Bar and Grilled in Lakewood Ohio. WE HIGHLY recommend it. We took the kids to Lake Erie to run around and play. We went to the Science Center and discovered all kinds of animals up close and personal then learned about the stars.
I needed to be with my family this weekend.
Together. All of us.
I needed to feel the closeness I felt this weekend.
Here is a pictoral review of just a few of the things we did this weekend.

The GodFather: The May special. Nothing better in the entire universe!
North Coast Shores: Crab Cake
Peanut Butter and Banana, and yes, that is me licking my lips as I'm feeding my munchkin. Oh Don't you worry...Momma got a bite of that bad boy! Maybe even two!
Me chowing on Patrick's GodFather, and yes, my mouth really is that big ( I did have my own sandwich, but I enjoyed a bite or three of everyone's sandwich before I dove into my own)
Look at that BITE! I'm still full!
We took the kids to Lake Erie, and after I took this picture I ate him...Numb Numb Numb! Just munched him up!
They wanted to feed the ducks, but they ate all the bread before they could feed a living creature. I tried to munch on her too, but she refused to allow that! Something about messing up her outfit of something...Sheesh!
We found a petrified tree
The kids thought it would be a great photo op
Jordyn found a garden with extremely large (veggies and gardening tools and insects) Oh My
They found shelter in an abnormally large bucket
Connor went to Outer Space
Stopped off at Saturn
Aunt Casey spent the day making me forget I was sad, and ignored the fact that I cried everytime I saw a butterfly (thank you for that)
I really hope she knows how much I love her. (and just a side note) I think the first, "undrunk" picture of us as adults is a pretty darn good one
My family. My reason for breathing.

Posted by Cassie at 8:54 PM | | Comments

Saturday, May 30, 2009

We miss you


Amber Renee Dugan, age 14, passed away at her home in Sharon Township on May 28, 2009 where she was surrounded by her family. She died as a result of complications related to Ewing's Sarcoma, which she had been bravely battling for the past five years.

Amber was born at Marymount Hospital, in Garfield Heights on April 15, 1995 to proud parents, Melissa and James Dugan. She was the oldest of three children. Amber's siblings, Brittany, age 11 and Nick, age 8, adored her and loved spending time as a family. Amber recently added a toy poodle named Ella to their family.

Amber previously attended McKinley Elementary and Horace Mann/Harding in Lakewood and was a regular parishioner at St. James. In August of 2008, Amber and her family moved to Sharon Township. Amber spent the past school year attending 8th grade at Highland Middle School and joined the Holy Martyr Church in Medina. She was regularly recognized on the honor roll throughout her schooling. Amber was a kind and brave person who always put others first, a trait that won her many friends.

Amber was very creatively talented. She loved to draw, sew and make crafts. Her hobbies included collecting designer toys, designing her website, baking, chatting on her laptop, playing video games, hanging out with friends and spending time with her family. She enjoyed family trips including camping, amusement parks and her favorite, visits to Walt Disney World.

Amber was receiving treatment at Rainbow Babies & Children's Hospital. She regularly visited the other patients to pass out gifts and hand-made crafts. She especially enjoyed visiting the hospital on Christmas to pass out toys.

Amber had a wonderful sense of humor and love of life. Despite her battle with cancer she formulated her own up-beat philosophy called Living Each Day, a celebration of life and making the most of each day. Amber touched many people who followed her life story through updates on her Care Page (carepages.com) and her personal site (livingeachday.piczo.com). Amber said goodbye by expressing her love for everyone. Her family and friends are grateful to have known Amber and are inspired by her to make the world a better place through love, kindness and generosity.

Donations can be made to the 'Amber Dugan Fund' at the funeral home or at any Chase Bank. Visitation for friends will be Monday, June 1, 2009 from 2 to 4 and 6 to 8 p.m. at Carlson Funeral Homes & Cremation Services, 3477 Medina Road (corner of River Styx and Rt. 18), Medina, Ohio. Mass of Christian Burial Tuesday, June 2 at 10 a.m. at Holy Martyrs Church, 3100 S. Weymouth Rd., Medina. Burial to follow.

Posted by Cassie at 8:23 AM | | Comments

Friday, May 29, 2009

Amber's Update


There are no words... At least ones that can soothe a grieving soul have never been invented.

Melissa's update:

My heart is broken and I have lost my best friend. Tonight at 7:30p.m. Amber passed away. I knew this day was coming and at the same time never thought it would be. I would tell you that Amber earned her wings tonight but the truth is Amber earned them so long ago she just was allowed to receive them tonight and fly! I wish I could say she was in no pain but she was. However, she made sure she told us more than once she loved us. She went quickly but with her last words she said it hurts but that she loved us all. I held her in my arms and told her I loved her and I was sorry for the pain that she was in. It was quick and she was gone. Not gone for good I know but no longer in the way we were used to. I have to say though that I felt her still with me and I will continue to hold on to that. Amber has always been one determined young lady and I know she will find a way to let us know that she is ok and still with us. She fought so long and so hard with everything in her. Just last night she mustered up the energy to play some UNO and LCR with us. It was all on her terms. I thank you all for your support and prayers over the last 4 years and 9 months! You have all helped us in so many special ways. We are forever grateful. Amber, I love you! Melissa

Posted by Cassie at 9:08 AM | | Comments

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Amber's Update

I am at a loss for words. I cannot possibly understand how I would feel if I had hours to live. How would I close my eyes. How could I go on knowing that I would not experience anything else in this Earthly life. Knowing that life as I have always known it would go on for everyone else, but I would sleep. I get a sense that I would be much like Amber. Knowing and believing in our Heavenly Father, but wishing I could prolong our meeting. I am scared for her. Scared for her family. How do you say goodbye for real...so many times. Please say a prayer for these beautiful people.
Here is Melissa's update:


So just a quick update. We went in on Mon to have platelets. They were out and had to send them from trumbull. Anyway, Jim took her in and I stayed home to set up her toys that came in on the van from CA. Well I got a call from the nurse trying to get her medicine ordered. She told me the docs talked to her and she is heading to the hospital and she told me to get a ride in and let the family know. So instantly we all headed to the hospital. I talked to Jim on the way and he was unaware of anything. So when I got there they said that they hadn't seen someone come in that bad and noticed that she seemed worse than from the ER. Finally the platelets came in and around 5 we were getting out of there. The came in and told us that she had about 12-24 hours but admitted that this is Amber and we know she doesn't follow any rule book. We came home and I had to hold her mouth closed on the way just so that she could breathe with her nose since she was on a different type of oxygen tank. She always told us seh wanted to be at home so I was trying to make sure that happened that way. Well we got home and Amber laid in her room for awhile. Then with Amber being Amber she wanted to watch home videos. Tuesday we continued the same. So 24 hours came and went and Amber was still holding her own. The nurses were amazed that she was actually awake and coherent on that much medicine. She has had sleepy moments but then she has also had those fun conversation times too. Last night Amber seemed to have this jaw pain that was relentless and no amount of medicine was helping. Finally at about 6 this morning we talked to the hospice nurse and she came out. We told her what the docs had us do overnight. She was shocked Amber was still awake when she got there. She told us that the pain can be caused from her heart. She did say that her heart was racing and could suffer a heart attack rather than her lung now. So she told us that she may be holding on because she thinks we are not ready to let her go. I don't want to let her go but I don't want her in so much pain and forced to sit by and do nothing for her. So the nurse told us to talk to her and then she would increase the medicine and to call the family because she would probably not wake up from this amount. So we did and after we spent about a half hour we called in the family and made calls to the ones that weren't here. So we up'd the dose and she went to sleep. Only to wake up a little while later still in pain. We continued to up the dose and she is now on 50 mg continuously with a bolus dose of 60! The nurse said she is on enough medicine that if divided for all the people we had here could put us all to sleep. Yet she continued to wake up. Pain controlled finally and got dressed, went downstairs to watch video, went back upstairs to watch some movies and even played UNO and LCR with us! My only fear in all of this is that if something does start very quickly we may not be able to find that dose that will let her sleep through it comfortably. For now I am just enjoying the moments. The things that she has done and said truly show the courageous and compassionate person that she is. Still looking out for Brittany and Nick and others before herself. She did tell us that she had a dream that she was in heaven. I think she is letting us know that she will be ok and is less scared. Well I have to go run and watch some tv with her. Her uncle is sitting with her right now and I don't want to lose any precious moment but I know so many of you that have been there for us so much wanted and needed to know what was going on. We will update soon when we can. I hope you understand. Please I ask you for your prayers that whenever the time is here that she not be in pain. Melissa

Posted by Cassie at 7:45 AM | | Comments

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Prayer

I had a wonderful conversation with a friend the other day about prayer. I began telling her that I don't know how to pray for some things. What exactly do I ask for? What is right? I was speaking about Amber at the time. Do I pray for a miracle? Do I pray for her to not feel pain? What is my correct prayer. She sent me this in my email. It is written by a mother who lost her beautiful baby to this atrocious disease:

I think part of my struggle right now is just understanding God's role in our lives. It is not that I doubt his existence, but that I am troubled in knowing how to pray on a going forward basis. I prayed so hard, so diligently and so fervently, for Lydia's healing, and I know many, many more people did as well, that it is hard to understand the role of prayer in our lives. I often wonder why we bother to ask for specific things or results, when it seems that it is out of our hands, and that every prayer we ask for, even when it is to spare someone from death, might not be answered as we have so fervently asked. I think about Mary, the mother of Jesus, and what her prayers must have been as she watched him suffer and die. As a mother, I know she must have prayed and begged for his life...yet, even Mary's prayer was not answered as she might have wished.

Perhaps the role of prayer is not for God to grant a prayer just as we might wish, for He knows better than we do why something we might ask for might not be in our best interests. If God had granted Mary's prayer, and spared Jesus' earthly life, then for the sake of granting one prayer, none of us could enjoy eternal life. God knows our heart, even when we don't ask, but perhaps it is good for God to hear us ask, for us to affirm our heart before Him, and perhaps our final prayer for anything should be for God to be present in all situations, for that presence to be felt, and for wisdom, peace and acceptance of His will. I am praying for that wisdom, peace and acceptance for myself, and for all around me grieving the loss of a loved one. - In peace.

Posted by Cassie at 8:12 AM | | Comments

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Who needs fortune cookies

I am fortunate, on so many levels.
One level in particular is in the friend category. I truly have the most amazing friends, and at my age that says a lot. I have noticed that as we get older, our families, jobs, husbands and just our everyday obligations seem to get in the way of those special bonds. That fortunately has not happened in my case, and I thank God for that every day. During my "dark time", I had some really wonderful people rallying around me (even though I asked them not to). They are my friends. No matter how rude and pathetic I became, they never gave up, on "ME".
That said, one of my greatest friends surprised me this weekend. It was WONDERFUL. When she comes home, she has so many obligations and is pulled in so many different directions, and on Sunday night she surprised me with, "herself." She knew I needed a hug and she was right there. I understand because of our distance, it was hard for her (and a few others) to "get to me". They were incapable of driving over and knocking on my door. I didn't realize how hard that was for them. I'm sorry.
Marie and I sat outside until the weeeeee hours of Monday morning poking our "hubby made fire", talking about, YOU NAME IT, and giggling uncontrollably. I needed that more than I knew.
The one thing about Marie, is that she sees me differently than I really am. She thinks I'm better than I am. She thinks I have a super power. I don't!
What I do have are people in my life that bring out the best in me.
Marie, thank you for thinking I am better than I am, and for loving me enough to surprise me with your "self" even though you were pulled in 780 directions. True friends "make time" when no time is available. I think that may be your super power.
I miss you already!


Posted by Cassie at 7:39 AM | | Comments

Monday, May 25, 2009

Amber's Update-Memorial Day

This is from Melissa's page:

So today is Sun. Well technically Monday. So on Friday .... honestly I don't remember friday. On Saturday Amber seemed to wake up worse. We had the nurse out to up her pain medication and she told us to call the family it won't be long. So we did but Amber refused to accept that. She decided to get out of bed and was determined to try on the clothes that she made us buy the other day so she would know what she would be dressed in. She picked out all of her special jewelry. Then she got in the shower and got dressed. She had many visitors. She decided that it was too boring for people to be up in her room so she figured that she could make it downstairs so that they could hang out in the game room. Some of her friends from school came over and she played the Wii with them. We could tell that she was pushing but just not giving in to anything. Well, later we found out that she was so afraid to go to sleep thinking that it would mean she may not wake up. After some more tears and talks she decided that resting could be good for her to give her some more strength. It was amazing that they tripled her dilouted and she wasn't sleeping. So she did finally lay down. It was emotional the first time she laid down upstairs but once she woke up from her nap it was a little easier for her. Then she decided to watch home videos we have recorded over the years. So we did that all night. Then some people slept over. Sun morning she woke up again and seemed a little worse. We decided to not take her to church in fear that something may happen there. So we called and had set up that the priest woud come give us communion and do an anointing on her. The rest of the day was filled with home videos and naps. Finally around 8pm the van arrived. Everyone that was over was great helping to unload. We even had Amber's 2 little cousins Autumn and Emily taking things and running them into the house where they belonged. We had that van unloaded in what seemed like 5 minutes. Then everyone helped put the stuff away. Again it went so quickly. I thank you all that were there to help us. After all of that Amber took a little nap and had some energy to show everyone some of her toys she got in CA. Tomorrow we will have to show some more for it was enough for tonight for her. So as of now..... she was just up. She needed to hit her pump for pain because of the pressure in her lung. They also told us that siting her up more will help that some. That has been seeming to work for now. Well that is where we are at. I thank you all for your prayers and for your support. We are so grateful for all of you! I will update soon. In the meantime you can enjoy this little story. I have posted it on some other of our carepage friends sites and know that it is fitting here. Enjoy......

By: John Alessi

Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. (s)he especially enjoyed the love he saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however, the little soul was sad, for on this day he saw suffering in the world. (S)He approached God and sadly asked, "Why do bad things happen, why is there suffering in the world?".

God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in peoples hearts". The little soul was confused. "What do you mean", (S)he asked. God replied, "Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences, and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone.

The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, "The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this-it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer-to unlock this love-to create this miracle-for the good of all humanity.

Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain h(er)imself. With his wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into this world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people's hearts! I want to create that miracle!

God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you.

God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced. In parting, God said, "Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed.

Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through h(er)is suffering and God's strength he unlocked the goodness and love in people's hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys-some regained lost faith-many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives were changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased."

Believing in God's promises . . .
" . . .For I am the LORD who heals you."
Exodus 15:26

Posted by Cassie at 9:53 AM | | Comments

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Amber's Update

We were so blessed to be able to go see Amber this evening. My GOD is she a beautiful, Beautiful young lady. She was very tired, but also very gracious. She is an unbelievable soul. I hope in my life to teach myself to teach my children to have a heart half the size. Here is an Update from Melissa's site:

I have a few minutes so I will post a quick update. So Tues the tank came that allowed her to leave the house easier. So Grandpa asked to go fishing. We took 2 cars and Amber did a little fishing and then we headed back and Brittany and Nick fished some more. Later we were going to go to Nick's scouting picnic. However, Amber seemed to exhausted and out of it so Jim was going to take Nick but Nick didn't want to leave. So we all stayed home. Wednesday the docs and nurses came out and decided to up Amber's basal and buy did it knock her out. I am hoping that it is more from the meds and not from her body but she has really been out of it. Her breathing does seem harder and at night (last night for example) she was sleeping but with her mouth open and not getting all the oxygen in and woke up paniced like she was choking and in some sense she probably was. So we decided to use the mask for at night but it is so small and tight on her. We are trying today to get a larger mask for her to sleep more comfortably. It is so hard watching her suffer and be so out of it and seeing it frustrate her when she realizes how out of it she is. We have had so many talks, so many sad talks and so many tears. We have also had some good talks and I think they are helping her be a little less afraid. She pushed for me to read this story and I wanted to share it with you. If you know Amber like we do then you will see that she too will find a way.

She jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room. She said: "How is my little boy ? Is he going to be all right ? When can I see him ?"
The surgeon said, "I'm sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn't make it."

Sally said,
"Why do little children get cancer ? Doesn't God care any more ? Where were you, God, when my son needed you ?"

The surgeon asked, "Would you like some time alone with your son ? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he's transported to the university ."

Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good bye to son. She ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair. "Would you like a lock of his hair ?" the nurse asked.

Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of the boy's hair, put it in a plastic bag and handed it to Sally.

The mother said, "It was Jimmy's idea to donate his body to the University for Study. He said it might help somebody else. "I said no at first, but Jimmy said, 'Mom, I won't be using it after I die. Maybe it will help some other little boy spend one more day with his Mom." She went on, "My Jimmy had a heart of gold. Always thinking of someone else. Always wanting to help others if he
could.."

Sally walked out of Children's Mercy Hospital for the last time, after spending most of the last six months there. She put the bag with Jimmy's belongings on the seat beside her in the car.

The drive home was difficult. It was even harder to enter the empty house. She carried Jimmy's belongings, and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair to her son's room.

She started placing the model cars and other personal things back in his room exactly where he had always kept them. She laid down across his bed and, hugging his pillow, cried herself to sleep.

It was around midnight when Sally awoke. Laying beside her on the bed was a folded letter. The letter said:

"Dear Mom, I know you're going to miss me; but don't think that I will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just 'cause I'm not around to say "I Love You". I will always love you, Mom, even more with each day. Someday we will see each other again. Until then, if you want to a dopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely, that's okay with me. He can have my room and old stuff to play with. But, if you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the same things us boys do. You'll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like, you know. Don't be sad thinking about me. This really is a neat place.. Grandma and Grandpa met m e as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long time to see everything. The angels are so cool. I love to watch them fly. And, you know what? Jesus doesn't look like any of his pictures. Yet, when I saw Him, I knew it was Him. Jesus himself took me to see GOD !
And guess what, Mom ? I got to sit on God's knee and talk to Him, like I was somebody important. That's when I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you good bye and everything. But I already knew that wasn't allowed. Well, you know what Mom ? God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you this letter. I think Ga briel is the name of the angel who is going to drop this letter off to you.. God said for me to give you the answer to one of the questions you asked Him 'Where was He when I needed him ?' "God said He was in the same place with me, as when His son Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as He always is with all His children. Oh, by the way, Mom , no one else can see what I've written except you. To everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper. Isn't that cool ? I have to give God His pen back now He needs it to write some more names in the Book of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper. I'm sure the
food will be great.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don't hurt anymore. The cancer is all gone. I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore and God couldn't stand to see me hurt so much, either.. That's when He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me. The Angel said I was a Special Delivery ! How about that ?

Signed with Love from God, Jesus & Me.

Posted by Cassie at 8:47 PM | | Comments

Monday, May 18, 2009

Rizzy Dizzy

Mandy, Laurie, Sherry, and well you know me right?
I adore this beautiful girl. And I LOVE her love story
roasting her very first hot dog!
Sherry hates that I bring cameras, but her husband was 10,000 times worse than I

Back when I was a young ling I worked in a tiny little Italian restaurant called Rizzi's. In that restaurant, I ate like it was my job and I made friends that, to be quite honest, are awesome. Yesterday some of us Rizzi lovers went to the last standing establishment for lunch and hours of reminiscing(our restaurant closed a few years ago). We were NOT disappointed! The food was exactly the same as the last time we ate there, and our little voices chatted like no time had passed. After lunch our families congregated back at Sherry's house. Her awesome hubby set up a fire and a whole smorgasbord of food and drinks. And my goodness did we partake! Someone could have(should have) rolled me out of there. Needless to say, I had so much fun. Thanks ladies for being you.


Posted by Cassie at 7:43 AM | | Comments

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Delicious

She really is delicious.
Right down to her little frosting covered lips. Yummy
And he...
It should be a sin to be so tasty

I have never felt so lucky, and so happy to be alive

Posted by Cassie at 9:45 PM | | Comments

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Amber's Update

We are praying for no pain for this beautiful little angel. We are praying for peace for the entire family. And I will forever be praying for a miracle.
Here is Melissa's most recent update: Just to let you know, they made it home because we have angels walking among us, and those angels knew Amber needed to be home with her whole family. Amber touched down with her daddy minutes ago ( Becky just called) and is on her way to Akron Children's Hospital, then will head home to be where she needs to be. Thank you for your prayers. For EVERYTHING:

Sorry for the lapse. As we have said before every step forward has given us 2 steps back. Amber's pain was getting better and seems like they were going in the right direction and she was even walking. Then on Saturday in the early evening she started complaining of a lot of pain in her right lung. We took her to the hospital and they did an x-ray that showed fluid around the lung. Mainly the left (a lot of fluid) just a small amount by the right. So they had her transported to where we are now which is Miller childrens in long beach. She is in the PICU and will be. This is where we are at with her care. The fluid in the lungs ended up not being just fluid and they were unable to drain her. It is actually gelatin like and can be assumed to be tumor filled. We are still waiting on confirmation of that but as of now that is regardless. We can see the area on her head raised up more and she has been having bad back pain and spine pain now too. So her wishes are to see her family in Ohio. The problem is that since the fluid could not be drained flying is more tricky. They are working on finding a service such as an angel flight that will fly her. So far the california angels said they could only fly no more than 1000 miles. They are still trying angel flight and another. We have no word yet on that. They did tell us that it may take a week or two. That is where the problem comes in. We may not have a week or two. So today was filled with many tears and talking with Amber about her wishes. She made the decision to try to get back home to ohio. If something happens before that she has chosen to be intubaited and put on a ventilator so that she has a chance to say goodbye to family that mentioned that they would want to fly here to see her. Then once goodbyes are said we will see how she goes from there. If she continues to get worse or it happens that she is being kept alive but not waking up anymore then we will turn the ventilator off. I don't want to do that but I will honor whatever wishes she has. I am just focusing on praying that we make it back to ohio and these decisions will not have to be addressed. We had a meeting with the priest here because I thought that we should not take her off the ventilator from what I heard as a kid. He said that there is no sin involved with that and we would have the right to decide to turn off the machine. The options for the flight is that they will only fly her with a DNR code so there is a chance if her cancer takes over then they will keep her asleep with pain meds until she passes. The flight they said will cause no greater risk on her lung the issue is only when the cancer will over take her. If she makes it to Ohio then her wish is to be at home and when we get off the plane they will have to take her to the hospital to get her set up and then will be discharged with hospice care. Then we will just keep her comfortable with meds so that she doesn't feel the pain. She is so amazing with all that is being asked of her and is still so strong. Of course tears have been shed and we have had some good talks with her but for the most part she is here chit chatting with Brittany and Nick and having time together even reminiscing on family times of past. Many good memories we have shared as a family. They love each other more than words can ever express. So that is where we are at now. I ask of you for your prayers to allow her to travel back quickly and safely to Ohio. In the meantime if anyone knows any options of a type of angel flight service that will fly over 1000 miles let us know. I know Jim will be researching tonight too. They told us too that they have to see what the insurance would cover and I told them to not let that be a determination on getting her home. We know that CA doesn't accept HMO. I wish so much of this wasn't so focused on getting money in hand before they address a situation like this. I think it is almost 2,000 miles. Plus Amber needs to fly with oxygen and a pain pump. Also Amber really wants to fly as a family but from what I know from Angel flight they will only fly a parent and child. So we (once we know what they found for Amber) will have to arrange quickly a flight for the kids and probably Jim since I don't even know how to get to the airport. Also Amber, Jim and I wish to go to Akron Childrens hospital since it is close to home and but since she doesn't have a doctor there we have to see if they will accept her. Ann if you're reading this and hear about this request on your end maybe you can help us. As far as I know I think that is where you are at now. Otherwise we will have to go to Rainbows and then it is a longer trip to get her home from the hospital. Finally we have to get with the medina hospice to get that in place so that they will be ready to get her home from the hospital so she is not spending extra time there than being at home. I am hoping that the people here may contact them to make them aware of the situation but I don't know for sure and I want to have everything prepared. I think that is everything. We are trying to deal with it when we have to and keep our minds off of it every chance we get so that we can spend our time enjoying the time we do have and not worry about the time we won't. As far as I know I am blessed to have her in my life for any amount of time because I know I don't deserve even that. I am lucky to say she is my daughter. If anyone has any info that they want to pass to us you can email Jim I will probably not be checking mine for awhile. His is dugan151@yahoo.com Thank you for all your prayers and all the donations and events that have been done in her honor over these past five years. We are eternally grateful for all the support you have given to our family. I will update when I know more. Thank you again!!!!!!! Melissa

Posted by Cassie at 7:55 PM | | Comments

Monday, May 11, 2009

Turning Two

Where do I even begin with my apology? Before you were ever fully formed I was terrified of you. Terrified of the “idea” of you. I never imagined that my heart could ever beat stronger than it already did.
I have never claimed to be “right” about everything, but never did I think I could be so wrong about something so significant.
I am sorry…

You.

You are a dream come true. A dream I never knew I was dreaming. A dream only God knew I had silently dreamt.
Thank you God for knowing what I need before I ever do.

You are two!
I still don’t know how this happened. How you became my beautiful “butterfly” overnight. You are seriously, incredibly amazing. Amazing beyond my wildest imagination. You speak better, and more eloquently than most adults I know. You have a very, very dry sense of humor that is significantly funnier because of the tiny voice you use to deliver your punch lines. You enjoy the most delicious foods, and you prefer reading and singing to any other activities.

The definition of bossy reads as follows:
Given to ordering others around; domineering.
Followed by your picture.
For such a little body you sure demand BIG respect! I respect you for that, but I promise to continue working with you on controlling the negative aspects of the definition.

You are head over heels for your brother. You would follow him to the moon if he asked. You two love to rough house, and I am completely confident with the fact that you are able to, ”hold your own”.

I envy your spirit. You have this extremely captivating presence that everyone notices when you enter a room. People want to be around you, and you always try to make everyone feel special. I don’t know how you do it at such a young age, but I really don’t know how you do most of what you do at such a young age.
Jordyn, you have made us whole on a completely spiritual level. You make us so very proud every day to be your Mommy and Daddy. I hope you have the happiest birthday. And I hope 2 brings you all of the excitement, love and adventure that you crave. We love you baby girl.


letting go of her two balloons
So excited that they are flying so high
Two balloons against an extremely ominous sky
Realizing her balloons were never coming back down

Posted by Cassie at 8:16 AM | | Comments

Sunday, May 10, 2009

And all too quickly she had become...A beautiful butterfly

Jordyn's Very Hungry Caterpillar Adventure

We had Jordyn's 2nd birthday party yesterday, and besides being a tad chilly I think it was a ton of fun. We chose our theme, Very Hungry Caterpillar because that is Jordyn's favorite book to read.

We started the party off with a reading of The Very Hungry Caterpillar, *all the kids were given caterpillar antenna's* then we sent the kids off into the back yard for a caterpillar hunt. * I made little caterpillars out of egg cartons* The kids got to feed the Very Hungry Caterpillar, play in the bubbles and color their very own butterfly picture. A good time was had by all, and my little butterfly was on cloud nine.

Emerging from her cocoon
Feeding the Very Hungry Caterpillar. Patrick drew him!
Hunting for the Caterpillars
What a great group of kids!
Bubble bonanza dance party!
Reading our story
Jordyn's AWESOME CAKE

Posted by Cassie at 5:42 PM | | Comments

Friday, May 8, 2009

GREAT NEWS

My God is an awesome God!

This evening, I went to visit my Dad, and while I was there, he received the most amazing news one could receive after the two weeks we just lived...If you want to call it that. His liver and lymph nodes were free of cancer cells. After he received the news from the doctor on the phone, he and I shared an extremely deep and and joyous cry. Never in my life have I felt like a weight was actually lifted from my entire body than I did at that moment. His surgeon was able to take out all of the cancer in the colon, and said that he will still need to go through 8-12 rounds of chemo.

Thank you to everyone for EVERYTHING!. The cards, the flowers, the, "stopping by even though I asked you not to, but you insisted because I had been in my pajamas for 3 days", the extremely "mean" emails telling me what an idiot I am being by ignoring the numerous phone calls and emails. (you know who you are, and I love you more than life...hahahahaha), babysitting my kids so I could do...well, lets be honest, so I could sulk.
Thank you.
Thank you for sending my Daddy cards and calling him. I didn't realize how much he would appreciate that, but it has really made him feel so special! Thank you for that. You guys are so incredible.

Tomorrow we will have Jordyn's 2nd birthday party, and he won't be here, but he insisted that I not cancel anything. This will be the first celebration in 31 years that my Dad will not be apart of, and you know what??? I'm THRILLED! Not that he won't be here, but because my heart can breath a huge sigh of relief for him. For all of us. Thank you to God for all of your awesomness!

Posted by Cassie at 9:21 PM | | Comments

Friday, May 1, 2009

Stronger

I was able to stifle my tears long enough that my Dad agreed to have dinner with us. Jordyn was beside herself with excitement. Connor made sure to ride my Dad like a pony, climb him like a tree and partake in the "make me a hot dog" game. I think my Dad was ready to pass out from exhaustion before 6. He's coming back tonight! :)

I have only cried twice today...Thanks in part to my obsession. If I would have known I was going to need a distraction, I would have waited to dive into these books. I'm almost done. I wonder if re-reading them next week will hold my attention as much.

Again, I am sorry for not answering your calls...And your emails. I am not ready to talk yet. More because I don't have any information, and I don't want to talk about any "what if's" right now. I am getting your messages, and mentally thanking you for loving me and caring about me.

Tara is dragging me out of town tonight for a much needed inspirational "conference". As much as I told her I am on the verge of vomiting (sorry...too much information) and I promised that I won't be much company for her, she doesn't seem to want to cancel. :)

I don't either.

I am looking forward to renewing my faith in myself, and my strength in this universe. I just hope that my heart is open enough tonight to find the peace I am looking for. I'll keep you posted.

Posted by Cassie at 12:53 PM | | Comments